“Woody” the woodpecker….

Jack’s blog:
So I hurd this pecking and hammering and pecking and hammering coming frum the back yard today. I got up off the sofa, stretched, jumped down and went to see what thiz noize wuz that wuz disrupting my sleep. I saw thiz bird in a tree outback pecking away at thiz branch. Mom hurd it too. She looked out and told me it wuz a red-headed wudpecker. She said they peck 20 timez pur secund. That is FAZT! **Whew** So then I pondered 😀…. are their heads red so they don’t see the blood? There haz to be blood with all that head pounding, right?? What iz the purpoze of thum doing all that pounding anyway? If thiz is all they are to do with their lives, why didn’t God give them helmutz? so I pondered again 🤔…. maybe God saw that helmutz didn’t protekt the futbull playerz which is why He didn’t gif them to the wudpeckerz? Then I pondered sum more 🤔…. do wudpeckerz get CTE? If they don’t thun maybe the futbull playerz doctorz shud study woodpeckerz and see whut it iz thut protekz thur brainz and put that arund the brainz of futbull playerz…. hmmmm 🤔……. I decided I had had enuf eggsitement fer one day so I stretched and made my way back to the sofa. I jumped up, circled a bit, got just to the purfekt spot and laid back down. Then az I wuz juzt abut to fall asleep again I woke up. I had the biggust ponder of all. Why wud my mom know that a wudpecker pecks 20 timez per secund? Whut game show wuz she on that made her haf to lurn that? “I’ll have wudpeckerz for $1000 Alex…” **sigh** that pecker haz now cauzed me more lack of sleep…..

Ahhh…. FIFI

So while out fer my wulk lazt Friday I saw Fifi. She and I sniffed hello and thun she proceeded (in dog speak) to tell me her male human got a job uffer and she’z prubly moving to anothur state culled Wizconsin, in the summur. She’s upsut abut leafing and I curtainly I don’t wunt her to go. Fifi is vury populer and efery dog wuntz to play with hur at the bark park. I dun’t wunt her to go becuz Fifi getz me. She takez the time to lusten to me and she alwaz smulls good. (Plus, thoze French Puddles haf a way with sniffing butt unlike any uther dog. It’z a gift. I go outta my way to find her whun I’m out wulking.) Anyway, I had to think qwickly so I tuld her Wizconsin duzn’t have cheeze. She wuz like, “WHAAAA? NO CHEEZE IN WIZCONSIN? Aw heck no, I can’t go thur then!” I tuld her I hurd it on Animul Planet and they don’t lie abut nothing on Animul Planet. (I had my pawz crozzed when I tuld her that.) I whuspured in her ear sum doggie symptums that were shure to get her human’z attenshun (I can’t betray my fellow dogz so I can’t share with you what those things are). Anyway…aftur I whuspured sum suggestshuns in her ear, she fell over, starded shaking and faked beung sik. Her femule human wuz realllly upset and said to my mom thut the potenshul move haz been hard on Fifi and her human had to go now so she cud take her to the vet. Mom offered to go with hur. I wuz like…”noooo mom… PUHLEEZE NO! We don’t haf to go too.” I knew it wud not be good if I wuz with Fifi since we talk all the time and lick each other (I am a guy and she iz a gurl after all)…and I cudn’t truzt that the vet wudn’t catch on thut Fifi wuz faking thiz whole being sik thing (they ARE very bright puple aftur all cuz they went to skool fer a long long time). So Fifi’s human thunked mom but said thut wuz not neccessary. ** WHEW** … DOUBLE WHEW*** (lookz sumthin like this U U) ..Befur they left I told Fifi she haz to sturt peeing and pooping inzide the houze too as that will make the humanz stay put and not go to Wizconsin.

Well… I haf good newz! I saw Fifi agun today and she iz realllly huppy. She told me thut she alzo faked bulomia (whur you throw up alot) and thut she overhurd her humanz talking lazt night. The male human turned down the job and Fifi and hur famuly are going to stay put. She will remain my Fifi and he’z going to remain a Redskin!!!! I am so huppy I can’t efen tell you. Fifi thunked me and laid a reallllly reallly big wet one on me. I think that’z whut you call a French kizz. (not my furst one— I AM 12 aftur all) but between uz? It really wuz the best one efer!!!! It’s good to be me.

I was sleeping…

Well there I wuz deep in a forest whun outta nowhur a big azz bear started to chase me. I ran and ran and ran and realized the only way fer me to be safe wuz to climb up a tree. I nefer did that befur but I knew there wuz no time like the presunt so I shimmied my butt up the tree to a high branch and watched as the bear ran on by still chazing me. I wuz happy I out smarded it. Then I hurd sumthing and looked on the branch I had made it to and there wuz a hawk! A big nasty hawk looking at me like I wud make a great meal. He starded to come towards me and his beak and talluns looked real sharp so down the tree I flew. I starded to run back the way I came (thinking the bear wuz long gone) and I ran into a moose. He wuz HUGE! He starded pawing the ground so I’m like, “what the…x#@! is going on???” The moose gave chase and there I wuz running again as fast as my fore legs cud take me. I dodged in and out of blizzards, incredibul winds and hail. I must’ve been really running hard cuz the next thing I knew Mom petted me gently awake. I wuz abut to kiss her for safing my life when I saw she’d been watching some show abut Alaska on TV. Geeze I’ve never been so hoomiliated and exhausted. I looked at her, got up and stretched and then jumped off the sofa and went into the bedroom, jumped on the bed and got under the covers. Maybe now I’ll get some rezt. (In hindsight I guess I shud be glad she wazn’t watching American Ninja Warrior.)

What I Did Today

Here’s whut I did today: (aktually it wuz yesterday)
1) Got up, stretched, did a few circles and immeediatly laid back down.
2) Mom got up, so then I got up, stretched, circled and laid down in the kitchen while she made me breakfust.
3) After 6 minutes or so I ate. (it takes awhile for The Honest Kitchen dehydrated food to re-hydrate (mom adds hot water and stirs it a lot), then she heated up my cooked ground turkey, gave me my probiotic, canine dermul powder and my vitamuns and a scoop of pumpkin and served me .
4) After breakfust I went out to do my morning constitushional.
5) Came back in, Mom wiped my paws and behind, I grabbed my somewhat still stuffed duck and then we went back to bed and watchud the today show. (I really like Hoda Copy)
6) I jumped down off the bed and laid on the floor.
7) Mom got up and showered and I laid on the floor in the bathrum and waided for her.
8) Mom got dressed, I laid on the floor of the bedroom and then we went to the store so I got to go fer a ride in the car!!! I luf cold weathur cuz I get lotz of car rides (I don’t in the summer).
9) We made seferal stops and I enjoyed the pretty day (mom puts the back windowz down fer me as we are driving. I don’t pup my head out or anythung I just sit in the back seat smelling the air)…. we went by Fifi’s houze…. I knew.
10) We went to four storz looking for a special sauze mom needed so she could make dinner tonight for her deer friends Barb and Heywood (she had a pacifik rezipe in mind).
11) I sat in the car looking arund at all the diffurent peeble walking by. Some stopped to say hello to me. No one stuck their hund into the car to pet me… (I guezz they didn’t want to be licked to death.)
11) She cudn’t find whut she wuz looking for anywhur. She exclaimed it wuz a total waste of time. ( I knew she wud go home, go on the compuder to ordur it online and take that time away frum me doing my blog-whisperer blog for the day. sigh)
12) After mom went to the last store, Giant Fuds, to look fer her sauze, she walked me in the field near the store. I smelled lotz of new things and left my mark eferywhur.
12) We drove home, I circled a lot and then laid down and went to sleep.
13) I woke up and it wuz time fer me to eat.
14) Mom left with the grozeries to go and cook dinner for Barb and Heywood.
15) I watchud TV and slept.
16) Mom came home and we went fer my lazt walk of the day.
17) Jumped up on the bed, circled a lot and went to sleep. Dreamt about that stoopid cat. I think I need to see a dog sychologust for PTSD.

Cheez pleeze!

Fifi, this littul poodle-maltese-coon hound mix up the street (her mother was no lady), stopped me and my mom while we were walking last evening and asked me if I liked cheeze. I am a dog. Hello?… I like anything that has to do with food. I said yes and she proceeded to tell me where there wuz sum up and acrozz the road a bit by this skool. She said it must haf come from someone’s lunch box ( She told me in dog speak so mom didn’t understand it.) I thanked Fifi, gave her a butt sniff and then, in my own subtle way, changed course and lead my mom across the road (looking both wayz whun we crossed of courze…). Well I started smelling it when we wur about 50 yards away (I’m talking front yards). I picked up my step a bit and kind of started pulling mom along with me (it got to a healthy trot speed). She must haf known sumething wuz up cuz she stopped and pulled me back to her by yanking on my harness. I tried eferything from sad eyez to hanging my head to sitting looking into space while wagging my tail (so she wud think I cud take or leave walking to the skool) but nothing wurked. My reverse psykology failed me.

Now I don’t normally drool but I will tell you that I wuz drooling. Ooooo la la. The thought of getting hold of sum cheeze wuz almust too much to bare. Next thing I know mom turns me arund and sez we wur going home. NO! NOOOOOOO! OH PLEEEEZE NO! But… home we went. I wuz really deprussed. My head wuz low the entire walk home. When we got home mom went into the kitchun. Do you know what? She didn’t come back with my normal milk bone or beef jerky or liver treat…. nope this time she came back with a piece of CHEEZE!! Can you belief it?? How did she know? I was like, body wagging, smiling and all happy. Did she find the lunch box? She never ceases to amaze me. Boy I love my mom (even more than that piece of cheeze I inhaled). Life is good.

Things that gif me day and nightmarz:

It’s all so vivid….this little fur ball cat named Sweet Pea keeps coming into my dreams.. (I sleep days and nights so I haf no need to differunchiate). Anyway I saw her at a party in Canada (oh yeah, another place I’ve been to)… and she saw me. I decided to play it cool (like I didn’t wunt to haf her for lunch–it was a big famuly picnik afterall and I thot I just had to work fer my food). So I calm-shalantly made my way twords her. She must haf known whut I wuz thinking cuz she flew by me and ran down into the busment of the houze. I cut to the chase! I high tailed it aftur her. I thougt I wuz right behind her but she wuz faster. She wuz good at hiding. I excitedly looked eferywhur (didn’t occur to me to look up as I’d not been arund many catz and didn’t know they cud climb that high) so while I wuz sniffing and picking up on her scent, she wuz watching me frum above (kind of snickering under her breth the way catz do). Just as I wuz about to gif up she moved and I saw her out of the corner of my eye. I started to salivate. There wuz my hopeful lunch looking down at me. Hmmmm…. how kin I get her to trust me and come down? I knew I didn’t know cat speak so I decided to try dog speak to see if she understood it (she did co-exist with a Schnauzer afterall–I guess the schnauzer didn’t eat cat or else she wouldn’t still be alive). Well I must haf been talking loud becuz my mom came down the stairz looking fer me and calling my name saying “JACK, COME, COME HERE JACK… NO BARKING !!” Mom got to the bottum of the stairz and saw me sitting there fazing a corner of the room. She looked up and saw the cat. Mom’s prutty telligent cuz she figured out whut I wuz doing. She took me by the collar and led me back upstairz and outside to the party. She said, “you better leave that cat alone Jack or you won’t live long enuf to regret the day you wur born!” Well Sweet Pea must’ve figurd she fell under protected statuz or sumthing cuz she came waltzing by me with her dumb az tail straight up in the air all prissy like. What happund next wuz just horrible. I didn’t know catz knew karate. As she went by me she got on her hind legs and her frunt pawz were nothing but a blur. She beat the crap out of me (I know cuz mom had to clean it up) and I gained a lot of respekt for catz that day. I wuz hoomilated and defeated. Sweat Pea won. How embaruzing! Man…I got beat up by a stoopid cat! When I got outside, Molly (the schnauzer) came ovur to me and put her paw around my neck. She looked depp into my eyze and said… “humiliating izn’t it?” At that moment I knew I wuzn’t the only dog to get beat up by a cat. Molly and I hung out for the rezt of the day together by the pool and picnic tables getting pet and fed by all the kids.
It wuz a good day. I still had my life, I made a new friend and my tummy wuz full. In a dogs life that’s a very good day.

Tennis anyone?

So my mom, Maura, got me tennis and raket balls when I wuz a mere 10 month old pup. I must haf had 12 balls. She wud throw thum and I wud sit and watch her throw them. She kept trying to get me to chase thum (I think she wanted me to bring thum bak to her.) I alwayz thought that wuz counter productive. Why throw thum if you want me to bring thum bak to the same place we started frum? If you want thum back that badly then I say don’t throw thum in the first place. Juzt hold onto my balls. I will say however that mom got good exercise by retrieving thum all the time. I am juzt not a retriever kind of dog. I certainly am not one to keep chasing my balls for nothing. Mom eventually “got it” and took away my balls. Now I miss thum.